Fuel and Energy Manifesto

Here are the measures announced today by Prime Minister Denise to assist the nation in their energy efficiency this winter:

1) Each household will be issued with eight 50g balls of double knitting wool, appropriate sized needles and patterns for socks, mittens and balaclava helmets.

2) Each household will be able to access a free six week holiday in the Caribbean in exchange for allowing their home to be used for housing the increasing polar bear population which is becoming rife in the current climate change.

3) Each household will be issued with five sheep (any more and the Government will be forced to pay a livestock subsidy and Prime Minister Denise's Pig of Happiness piggy bank doesn't have that big a reserve in it). Using the accompanying leaflet, householders will be encouraged to nuture the wool on their sheep and in the spring, shear the sheep and lag their lofts with the resulting fleeces. If householders are not confident about shearing please call Mr G. Brown of Downing Street and he will pop round and do it for you, no probs. He'll tell you how to make a nice warming soup from the scraps in your fridge, too.

4) Householders will receive assistance with their winter fuel bills i.e someone will come round and bang loudly on your door at 5.30 p.m between November and February and tell you it's time to switch off your heating and go to bed wearing three pairs of trousers, six jumpers and a pair of ski boots. And don't forget, 25% of all body heat is lost through the head, so if you've got a cat, (or a chicken) use it.

5) Householders will be encouraged to think of the future. With fuel bills increasingly on the rise, solicitors will be on hand to add codicils to Wills should householders wish to leave their fuel bill debts to their children. Or, if you wish to bequest a hefty sum to your gas and electricity provider, this can also be arranged.

Prime Minister Denise thinks that'll do for now. It's still quite warm outside, after all, and we might be lucky and get an Indian summer yet. Put an extra cardi on if it gets chilly of an evening. Or snuggle up on the sofa under a duvet with your hubby and watch Jeremy Paxman presenting University Challenge. Bound to make your blood boil.