Just look where you're going, will you?

Today, you will feel the sticky edge of 'Denise's Wrath'. Oh yea, and be verily afraid for the wrath shall be great and the spit shall be spat (sput? sputted??) far and the anger red and fit to burst like Andy when he's had to deal with a particularly idiotic pet owner who won't listen to his advice and who prefers to do things their own way....'What? Give Dinkums drugs? Oh no, I'll just wave a couple of dock leaves over his head. That'll get rid of the constipation/ fleas/ massive tumour.' Anyhow, I digress....

Why, oh, why, oh why, oh why... etc etc... blah, blah, blah... do people insist on not looking where they are walking when out and about in town, especially when they are walking towards / in front of me?? These social pariahs are either texting -"U r n idiot. Dnt eva spk 2 me or ur 'ed will git kikt in by my bruv" - on their mobiles - "Where are you? Me? I'm walking into town. It's ten o'clock. Some cow has nearly walked into me. She wants to bleedin' look where she's going" - or chatting to their companion about the price of Spam - "No more fritters, I told Bernie, we just can't afford 'em. You'll 'ave to go to the chippie again." They have no awareness of anyone around them, no consideration for the other 59.999999 million people who share the country with them. Oh yes, and they also have elbows sticking out, umbrellas, dogs on long leads, small children picking their noses, baby buggies, shopping trolleys or a walking pace of four steps an hour. On a very narrow path. Thereby forcing innocent, considerate and law abiding pedestrians (aka me) into the road and the path of foreign pantechnicons which can't see me because it's a left hand drive and the mirrors are on the wrong side!!!

Get a grip, will you? Watch where you are going. You are not the centre of the universe and no-one wants to hear your loud conversations about Spam/ karate/ body piercings/ how many times you did it round the back of the pub last night or the removal of your mum's ingrowing toenail.

In my dreams I deal with these pavement hoggers thus: I spy someone on their mobile, head down, marching straight towards me, unaware of my existence. I maintain my course, determined that it will not be me who swerves, oh no! At the last second, I stop suddenly and shout "Boo!" The pavement hogger leaps into the air, their mobile phone flinging itself into the road where it gets smashed to tiny pieces by a foreign pantechnicon. Hurrah!! I win!!!!

In my dreams....in reality I'm afraid I'll get punched in the face. Or they will follow me home and put dog poo through my letterbox.

On the upside, we no longer have rats and Mrs Bennett has a blocked oviduct. Don't ask.

Now, where are those dock leaves?