There's no eff in swearing

One of my bug bears is the BBC's use of the phrase 'The following programme contains strong language.' What they really mean is 'What you are about to view will be liberally peppered with effing this and effing that so don't say we didn't warn you and your prim and proper moral sensibilities.' Strong language my a**e! Strong language should mean language that is powerful and evocative, that has been used by its creator as an emotive way to convey a message, or relay beauty or a thought provoking issue. Not the message that 'I'm such an uneducated durr-brain that I can't think of anything more intelligent to say so I'll say effing this and effing that.' Therefore, I think the correct message should be 'The following programme conveys poor language, inserted by the (probably aged 40+ ) writing/ editorial team because they want to appear 'wiv da kidz, innit?'

Poor language (poor, do you hear me? POOR!!!!!) is one of the things I haven't missed since leaving teaching to be a writer. (One of a list of many which I shan't bore you with now; suffice it to say my list has already more than half filled a roll of Andrex and it's only been 3 weeks since the start of term). In the old days I would go to school on Monday after a 'poor language' - free weekend and within five minutes I could guarantee hearing effing this and effing that from the students at least four times and thus it would continue all week. This morning, Andy and I venture to town to get things like haircuts, wine filters, belts and books and it was full of youngsters all effing this and effing that. This provoked a particularly violent response in me. (I know - most unlike me, eh?) At one point, walking behind a teen couple who had been having one effing week and a half by all accounts I really had to bite back the strong desire to shout 'Oh for the love of Mike, will you stop with the effing this and effing that? Don't you understand what kind of image you are conveying, you pair of gibbon gibbering morons with the combined IQ of a table mat? Use our language properly. At least try and sound more intelligent than you are. Aaaaaargghhhh!!!!'

It's not necessary, all this effing this and effing that. There is no eff in intelligence, no eff in manners and no eff in art. And now Radio 4 have just announced that 'The following programme contains language.' What's that supposed to mean? That I am not about to listen to half an hour of silence instead of the Armando Ianucci Charm Offensive I was expecting? Well, thank heavens for that. I've always thought radio works best if there is a bit of language in the equation. Or are they really warning me that there will be language of the 'poor' variety? I suppose I shall just have to wait and listen. My finger is hovering over the 'off button'. But so far so good.