Inconsiderate, that's what it is

The world is going to end tomorrow and I am not happy about it. There is a big tumble dryer in Switzerland that is going to start spinning and make holes in everyone's black socks. This isn't right on many levels. Firstly, I thought we were supposed to be environmentally friendly these days? Think of the waste of energy drying a few pairs of socks in an over-sized tumble dryer will cause. Hang 'em on the line, I say, and let the air get to them. Secondly, I don't remember being asked about whether I approved of this decision to end the world tomorrow. So much for Western democracy and to be quite frank I'm disappointed with the Swiss. I've only just forgiven them for inventing Toblerone and now they think they can demolish billions of years of hard graft at the flick of a switch? Tut tut! I'm just not ready. For a start, when exactly is this event scheduled? A.m or p.m? My aged mum and mad aunties are coming round tomorrow morning for coffee - should I make shortbread or not? Actually, if the end of the world is nigh I'll make two batches of shortbread tonight, eat the lot and sod the scales in the morning. But there's a dilemma - if it isn't the end of the world and I find out I've put on 5lbs through pigging out on shortbread, I'm going to be more than little annoyed.

And what about all the things I need to do? I've got two counted cross stitch on the go for a start and we're expecting more chickens in three weeks' time. Then there's my dressmaking course that starts next Monday - I've already paid for that. Can I get a refund? To whom do I apply? Which insurance company is underwriting this event?? And I'm three quarters of the way through completing my first children's novel. Should I stay up all night to finish it in the vain hope enough of its charred remains will survive for future generations to read?

You see, I don't think this has been very well thought through. These events need careful planning. You need to get a nice notebook from WH Smiths to make lists in, possibly set up a spreadsheet on the computer. Then you need to notify people, and properly I mean, with little return slips on the bottom of the invitation - 'We can/cannot attend the end of the world on Wednesday 10th September' (delete as applicable) . And who chose Wednesday? Come on, hands up. Wednesday is the most miserable day of the week. Is someone trying to be ironic? Monday would be better. It'd add an extra frisson to that 'back to work' feeling you get on Sunday evening. And whose bringing the cheesey balls? These things all need considering.

All I'm saying is that no-one's thought this one through. And I haven't even got any black socks.