How To Sell A House

Firstly, before you all get too excited, I have to say that we haven't actually sold the house yet. We've been on the market for a week, we've had three viewings, we've had no feedback or offers. But that's okay, because it is early days and we aren't in a hurry, although we have accumulated a fairly hefty list of 'potential MMMs Mk 2s' that we are going to view as soon as we have got a buyer.

Anyway, viewing Number 2 was yesterday at 4.30 which meant I had to make a quick exit from work to be here when the potential buyers arrived. And 'tis from this experience that I have constructed the Much Malarkey Manor Guide to Getting Your House Ready For a Viewing.

1) Arise at 5.45 on the morning of the viewing to incorporate a preliminary tidy-up before going to work. This to include the clearing up and putting away of all breakfast accoutrements, sweeping the kitchen and hallway, tidying up newspapers and magazines, doing the ironing and changing the litter in the cats' litter trays.
2) Go to work.
3) Undergo severe mental strain as 90 + small children cross your classroom threshold during the day and make unnecessary amounts of noise associated with 'Start-Of -New-School-Year-itis.'
4) Plan to leave work dead on 3.30 to drive home and give time for secondary tidy-up in case gremlins had a party whilst you were at work/ you overlooked some glaring obvious in-need-of-tidy-up zone that you missed this morning because it was 5.45 and you were still half asleep/ you were burgled during the day.
5) Get caught up by colleagues making stupid requests, so don't leave work until 3.45.
6) The usual 15 minute drive home takes 30 minutes because the stupid town in which you live is being dug up by the stupid gas board and all stupid road capacities have been reduced by 50%, and the stupid traffic is heavier than usual because it is Friday afternoon and everyone is leaving work to start their stupid weekends early.
7) Arrive home at 4.15. Check kitchen floor and all carpets for random acts of cat sick.
8) Open all windows because it is 80 degrees and more, and the place is doing a passable impersonation of a high-efficiency sauna.
9) 4.29 - Clear up poo deposited by Pandora Kitten in litter tray. Spray area liberally with air freshener. Waft back door open and shut to increase fresh air flow.
10) 4.31  - Clear up poo deposited by Tybalt in litter tray because when one cat poops, another is sure to follow. Spray area liberally with air freshener. Hope viewers might be a bit late.
11) Threaten Phoebe with withdrawal of sustenance if she decides to join in the obviously deliberate act of cat-poo sabotage. Phoebe responds with, 'Wot? I'm 83, you know...'
12) 4.35 - Notice kitchen window is in dire need of cleaning. This wouldn't normally be obvious except for the stupid sun shining through it and highlighting the stupid accumulation of dust, cobwebs and dead spiders.
13) Wonder if there is time to clean aforesaid window - wondering is halted by knock on door.
14) Show viewers around. Answer questions about parking, age of house and building work, schools, traffic etc etc.
15) Try to avoid showing irritation that viewers have extended conversations with each other in a foreign language, which I think is just rude.
16) Try to avoid showing annoyance that youngest child of viewers is teasing Pandora Kitten who has flattened her ears, has a wild look in her eyes and is giving the appearance of a cat that is going to launch herself at him any minute NOW and rip his face off if he keeps irritating her. Think, little sod deserves it if she does. Thinks, perhaps HRT might be appropriate, at least whilst the house is waiting to be sold.
17) Say 'thank you' and 'goodbye' to viewers, shut the door and make cup of tea.
18) Think, 'not bothered if they don't make an offer because if Pandora doesn't like them they are clearly the wrong people for our house.'

Whereas today...

'I liked that family who came to visit at lunch time,' says Pandora Kitten, who schmoozed them all and got schmoozed back.
'I know,' I say. 'So did I. I think they would suit this house. I would feel happy leaving this house in their guardianship.'

Which I know is the wrong way of looking at the process, because it is sentimental and not practical and it is, after all, just a house.

But it's the way I feel now, and Pandora Kitten agrees.