Bl***y Telecom

So BT, our telephonic equipment provider, called yesterday and the conversation went something like this:
Me: Hello?
(Silence, and then a gentle hum; distant voices akin to the sound of a call centre).
Me: Hello?
Gavin: Hi there! Is that Mrs Hunt?
Me: Yes, it is.
Gavin: Hiya Mrs Hunt! How are you?
Me: Fine, thank you.
Gavin: That's great, Mrs Hunt. My name is Gavin, and I am calling from B.T.
Me: Yes.

(I have to point out at this stage that I did not know he was called Gavin before he said he was called Gavin; I have merely decided to call him Gavin from the offset because it is quicker and easier to type than 'operator.' Or 'pain in the backside cold caller'.)

Gavin: So Mrs Hunt...can I call you Denise?
Me: No.
Gavin: Okay, that's great. So Mrs Hunt, I'm calling today from B.T to tell you that we've had lots of engineers in your area today in response to a lot of calls from other B.T customers in your area today about our service.

(At this point I thought Gavin was going to tell me that the calls from other B.T customers in the area were appertaining to the problem we had with our landline on Christmas Day which meant every time we tried to make an outward call, we got put through to a B.T Business Centre, which was closed, it being Christmas Day and all, and that he, Gavin, was calling to apologise and offer us some sort of recompense, preferably financial. And he was right, the exchange box that is situated over the road and down a bit from where we live had been swarming with BT engineers all day. But no, naive Mrs Hunt. I thought wrongly. And thusly continued the conversation.)

Gavin: So, Mrs Hunt, I am calling to tell you that our engineers have been busy updating your Internet Broadband speed in line with, and beyond that of other Internet Broadband providers in your area. Can I ask who you have your Internet Broadband with please?
Me: We are quite happy with our Internet provider, thank you.
Gavin: BT Internet broadband is faster, bigger and more efficient than all other providers in your area.

(And then he tried to impress me with some figures about mega-kilo-jigga-speed-of-download-bytes-per-second malarkey - well, you know how men are. Either way, I glazed over when he started with the Maths because what he was saying sounded like 'burbleburbleburbleblah.')

Me: I need to tell you again that we are happy with our current provider and we have no intention of changing to BT...
Gavin: So you are turning down the chance to have the ultimate and best download speed in your area, Mrs Hunt? Is that correct, Mrs Hunt? Can you tell me, Mrs Hunt, what the download speed of your current provider is?

(Well, I don't know that kind of information, do I? I mean, I'm a girl. I don't care. That's men's stuff, that is. Makes me yawn. YAWNNNNNN. See. But I wasn't going to let Gavin know that I didn't know, so I remained ruggedly determined by saying...)

Me: We are happy with our current provider. We shall not be changing.
Gavin: That's great, Mrs Hunt, but I really don't understand why you are passing up the opportunity to change to BT super-infinity faster than the speed of Daisy with the wind behind her.

(He didn't really say that. I did. For comic effect).

Me: We are happy with our current provider.
Gavin: Mrs Hunt, how can you be happy with a provider that gives you less download speed than BT? It's burbleburbleburbleblah.....

(There he goes again...YAWNNNNN!)

Me: We just are. We aren't going to change.
Gavin: What could I say to impress you, Mrs Hunt? To make you change your mind?
Me: I am already impressed by your dogged persistence in trying to make a sale.
Gavin: But what is it that makes you so happy with your current provider that you want to stay with them, Mrs Hunt?
Me: What makes us happy about anything, Gavin?

(And at this point I could swear I heard him trying to suppress a laugh.)

Gavin: That's great, Mrs Hunt. You have a good day now.
Me: You, too. Byeeeeeee!!

And thus yesterday I learned two things: firstly, that I may have lost the Internet broadband speed offer of the century, but I won the battle against the persistent sales geek and secondly, that my name is Mrs Hunt.

And that's great!